5 Ways to Manage Emotionally Unavailable Women and Men

When you’re looking to form a deep connection with someone, their emotional availability can make a big difference. Sustaining a relationship with a partner who can’t meet your emotional needs can be extremely challenging.

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Building emotional availability takes time, effort, and the right support. Here are a few ways to identify and manage emotional unavailability in a partner.

What Does Emotionally Unavailable Mean?

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Emotionally unavailable men and women typically cannot share or express their feelings or maintain healthy emotional connections. They are often unaware of or closed off to their own or others’ feelings.

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Emotionally unavailable people are afraid to commit and may pull away when you start to get close to them. They find ways to avoid vulnerable or emotional conversations, and it can often feel that you are more invested in the relationship than they are. These are some common signs to look out for:

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• They don’t share their emotions or feelings and shut down deep conversations.
• They don’t like initiating or committing to plans.
• They have a long history of failed relationships.
• They don’t want to commit to a relationship, or they say they’re not looking for anything serious.
• They are inconsistent at communicating.
• They prioritize their own goals, interests, and plans.

What Causes Emotional Unavailability?

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Emotional availability can fluctuate throughout a person’s life. In fact, most individuals will experience periods of emotional unavailability at some point. For instance, work stress, the death of a loved one, or a health issue may temporarily limit your emotional availability.

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But for others, emotional unavailability could be a deeper issue relating to: 

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• Past trauma: Experiences of trauma, such as childhood trauma or trauma bond relationships, can impact someone’s ability to be vulnerable with others. 
• Attachment style: Growing up in an environment where caregivers failed to validate or acknowledge an individual's emotions, may cause an avoidant attachment style.
• Mental health conditions: People struggling with anxiety, depression, or mental health challenges are coping with their own emotions and often cannot be emotionally available to others.

How to Deal with Someone Who is Emotionally Unavailable

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If you are dealing with someone who is emotionally unavailable, know that it is not your fault. While you can’t change them, here are ways to manage and strengthen your relationship. 

Communicate Your Feelings

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Is your partner aware their emotional unavailability is causing problems in your relationship? Before they can work through it, they have to be willing to acknowledge it. 

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Let your partner know you want to have an open conversation about how you have been feeling. Set aside a time when you can both be attentive. 

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Be honest and direct about your needs, and explain how their emotional distance is affecting you. Avoid diagnosing, accusing, or blaming them. Instead, use “I” statements, such as, “I wish we could have more meaningful discussions about our thoughts and feelings.” Try to be clear and calm in your communications, even if they push back.

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Ask how you can support them, and allow them a chance to respond, even if that means giving them some space.

Be Patient

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After you have been clear about your emotional needs, give your partner time and space to process their emotions. In some cases, this may mean taking some time apart.

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As they work to become more emotionally available, you can encourage and support them along the way. Increasing emotional awareness takes effort, but there are practices you can suggest, such as mindfulness meditation and mood-tracking apps.

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Remember that change doesn’t happen overnight. Your partner may shut down if they feel they are being pushed to open up before they are ready. 

Don’t Try to ‘Fix’ Them

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It is not your responsibility to ‘fix’ someone who is emotionally unavailable. While you can and should voice your concerns and set clear boundaries, avoid demanding change or issuing ultimatums since this can reinforce their emotional unavailability.

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Change happens when the person is willing to work at it. While you can be understanding, supportive, and patient, the journey to stop being emotionally unavailable is ultimately theirs to take.

Try Individual or Couples Therapy

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Emotionally unavailable men and women are still capable of opening up and expressing their feelings—however, they may need support to do so.  A therapist can offer guidance and tools for developing emotional openness. Your partner may benefit from one-on-one therapy so they can work to identify the causes of their emotional unavailability and learn how to break unhealthy patterns.

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You can also try seeing a counsellor together—an unbiased third party can offer a clarifying perspective. Working with a mental health professional, you and your partner can learn to develop tools to better communicate your feelings and recognize each other’s emotions.

Know When to Leave

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Emotional availability exists on a spectrum. If your partner’s emotional unavailability seems temporary, you may be able to shift your expectations for a while. Or, if your partner seems open to learning how to stop being emotionally unavailable, that's a positive sign they are dedicated to improving your relationship.

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If you don’t anticipate your partner changing, or they show no interest in change, it may be time to re-evaluate whether this is the best relationship for you.

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Walking away isn’t easy. It takes strength to acknowledge your needs aren’t being met. If you feel that you’ve done all you can, or you simply know you’re ready to leave, it may be time to let go.

Connect with a Phare Counsellor

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Whether you are seeking support for an emotionally unavailable partner or focusing on your own emotional availability, our team of diverse and empathetic counsellors are here to help. 

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At Phare Counselling, we offer sliding scale therapy with our team of specialized clinical counsellors in Ontario, BC, and Alberta. Ready to take the next step in your well-being journey? Book a free consultation today!

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Author Bio:

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Wendy Chan is a writer and editor who is passionate about health, wellness, and self-care. She has worked in marketing and communications for nearly a decade, creating educational content for brands and companies across Canada. Since 2020, she has been a writer and researcher for Phare Counselling.

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Wendy specializes in authoring informative and accessible content on mental health, wellbeing, higher education, and technology. She holds a BFA in Creative Writing from the University of British Columbia. You can find her in Vancouver or Toronto, depending on the weather.

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