A Complete Guide to Dating Someone With ADHD

Are you dating someone with ADHD? You may encounter some common challenges, whether it’s a new romantic interest or your long-term partner. Building any healthy relationship takes understanding and patience. By embracing your partner’s unique habits, behaviours, and strengths, you can learn to navigate ADHD together. 

Here’s a complete guide to what you should know about dating someone with ADHD, including some practical strategies for supporting your partner while taking care of yourself.

What Is ADHD?

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Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a mental health condition characterized by inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. It is one of the most common neurodevelopmental disorders in Canada and affects approximately 1.8 million Canadians.

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ADHD can present itself in three ways: 

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• Hyperactive-impulsive ADHD: Individuals often have high energy, talk excessively, and have trouble sitting still or waiting their turn.
• Inattentive ADHD: Individuals struggle to focus and often forget about daily tasks and responsibilities.
• Combined ADHD: This type includes a mix of both hyperactive-impulsive and inattentive ADHD symptoms.

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Because ADHD affects a person’s ability to regulate attention and impulses, it can impact various aspects of life, from communication skills to maintaining relationships. Some people may have many symptoms that impact their day-to-day functioning, while others may have mild symptoms that only cause minor challenges.

What to Expect When You’re Dating Someone With ADHD

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Every person with ADHD is different, but there are some common symptoms that can affect their behaviour, communication style, and habits. Here are some ways that ADHD may affect your relationship.

Forgetfulness

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You may notice that your partner often forgets about plans, responsibilities, and important dates. While it is understandably frustrating when they forget to reply to your text message or show up to a social event, this isn’t a sign they don’t love or care for you. ADHD causes deficits in working memory, so forgetfulness is a common ADHD symptom.

Focus and Attention Issues

People with ADHD are often easily distracted, making it difficult for them to stay focused on conversations or activities. Their attention may seem inconsistent—sometimes zoning out in the middle of a conversation, while at other times hyperfocusing intensely.

Poor Organization and Time Management

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People with ADHD often struggle with time management and prioritization. They might frequently be late, not out of disrespect for your time, but because they may have forgotten their schedule or become absorbed in another task.

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If you live with someone with ADHD, you may notice they are prone to clutter and frequently misplace items. People with ADHD often have trouble staying organized and sometimes may not even realize their disorganization. 

Impulsivity

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ADHD can also make it hard for a person to control their impulses. They may act spontaneously or make decisions without considering the consequences, such as making a big purchase without discussion. You may also notice your partner tends to interrupt or blurt things out without thinking, which can lead to insensitive remarks.

The Positives of Being in a Relationship With Someone With ADHD

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ADHD can pose challenges, but it’s equally as important to recognize your partner’s neurodivergent strengths and the positives of being in a relationship with someone with ADHD. Individuals with ADHD are often creative, energetic, and spontaneous. This may lead to surprise getaways, impromptu date nights, or unique solutions and ideas that keep your relationship fun and exciting. 

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People with ADHD are often empathetic and feel emotions deeply, which can foster a strong, intimate relationship. They can be intensely devoted and committed to their loved ones. Appreciating these positive traits, while learning to navigate the more challenging ones, can help you build a deeper connection.

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How to Support A Partner With ADHD

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ADHD can impact both partners in a relationship. Forming a healthy connection requires understanding, communication, and flexibility. By working together as a team, you can figure out the best way to love, understand, and support each other—and make sure that neither of your needs are neglected. Here’s how to support a partner with ADHD:

Educate Yourself About ADHD

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The more you understand ADHD, the more likely you can offer support and compassion. If your partner is comfortable with it, ask them about their ADHD and how it affects them. Try not to burden them with questions or make any assumptions about their needs or habits.

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Many organizations have useful resources that can help you learn about ADHD, such as Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, and the Centre for ADHD Awareness, Canada.

Communicate With Care

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Communication problems are common when a partner has ADHD. Work together to find the best ways to express both your feelings and needs. Address issues as they arise instead of letting them fester. Regular check-ins with each other can also be helpful.

Understand Arguing With Someone Who Has ADHD

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People with ADHD tend to have poor emotional regulation skills, which can lead to intense emotions or reactions. When you have a misunderstanding or conflict, let your partner know how you feel without being accusatory or critical. This can cause your partner to shut down and become defensive. Respect, consideration and kindness can make all the difference.

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Some helpful tips to keep in mind when arguing with someone who has ADHD:

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• Use I statements and centre the behaviour on how it affects you. For example, you could say, “I feel unimportant when you interrupt me while I’m talking,” instead of, “You never listen to me.”
• Listen actively when your partner talks and give them time to share their thoughts. 
• Give each other space to cool down if either of you feels particularly frustrated.

Develop ADHD Coping Strategies Together

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You and your partner may find it helpful to work together to develop coping strategies for ADHD. This could include setting up a reminder system for important dates and appointments or creating a weekly cleaning schedule. 

Figure out what works best for your partner and your relationship, and explore different strategies together. Listen when your partner lets you know something doesn’t work for them.

Tips for Living With Someone With ADHD

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When you’re living with someone with ADHD, it’s important to discuss individual and shared responsibilities. Remember that you are not and should not act as their parent. Rather, work together to clarify expectations.

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A few strategies that could help are:

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• Create a to-do list or cleaning schedule for your home.
• Set up bill payment reminders or automatic payments.
• Keep track of your joint financial spending through an app.
• Leave sticky notes around the house with important reminders.
• Create a weekly meal plan to simplify cooking (as people with ADHD can struggle with eating).

Practice Patience

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Dating someone with ADHD often involves flexibility and patience. You may need time to adjust to the struggles and challenges. It’s normal to feel annoyed, or angry, with your partner at times. Remember that ADHD symptoms may also be causing frustration for your partner. Be patient and ask how to support them as they navigate these challenges.

Set Healthy Boundaries

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Healthy boundaries are essential in any relationship. Set clear expectations around important issues such as communication, shared responsibilities, and behaviour. Be specific about what you will and will not accept in your relationship. For example, you might set a communication boundary such as disengaging from heated arguments and returning to the discussion after both of you have had time to process your thoughts.

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Remember that ADHD symptoms may affect your partner’s communication and behaviour in some ways, but it does not excuse poor or intentionally hurtful behaviour. You and your partner should both feel comfortable discussing your boundaries openly and honestly.

Encourage Them to Seek Support

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While ADHD cannot be cured, there are many treatment options. Medication and therapy, like CBT, can help a person manage their symptoms and improve day-to-day functioning. A trained ADHD counsellor can help your partner understand their ADHD and how it is affecting their life and relationships. They can also help your partner learn skills and coping strategies to better manage symptoms.

While ADHD cannot be cured, there are many treatment options available. Medication and therapy can help manage symptoms and improve daily functioning. A trained ADHD counsellor can assist your partner in understanding how ADHD affects their life and relationships, and provide skills and coping strategies to better manage symptoms.

While you can share the benefits of therapy and offer support and encouragement, remember that it is ultimately up to your partner to reach out for support.

Find ADHD Support With Phare Counselling

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Relationships require understanding, patience, and compromise. When you’re in a relationship with someone with ADHD, unique challenges can arise but it doesn’t have to harm your relationship.

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If you are both willing to learn and grow together, you can find strategies that work for your relationship. Remember to always prioritize self-care as well and be mindful that your needs are also being met.

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Phare Counselling has specialized ADHD counsellors who are here to offer support. We help match people with the right counsellors depending on their unique needs, goals, and budget. Book a free consultation call to get started!

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Author Bio:

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Wendy Chan is a writer and editor who is passionate about health, wellness, and self-care. She has worked in marketing and communications for nearly a decade, creating educational content for brands and companies across Canada. Since 2020, she has been a writer and researcher for Phare Counselling.

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Wendy specializes in authoring informative and accessible content on mental health, wellbeing, higher education, and technology. She holds a BFA in Creative Writing from the University of British Columbia. You can find her in Vancouver or Toronto, depending on the weather.

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