Emotional Permanence and ADHD: Meaning and Impact

It's natural to seek reassurance that someone loves and supports you. In healthy relationships, there's an understanding that love remains, even when the person isn’t present or actively expressing affection. This concept is called emotional permanence. For those with  ADHD, maintaining that sense of love and care can be more challenging, as emotional permanence may feel less stable.

What exactly is emotional permanence, and how does it affect adults with ADHD? Let’s explore further.

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What Is Emotional Permanence?

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Emotional permanence is the understanding that emotions and feelings are real and lasting. It means trusting that your loved ones care about you, even when their affection isn't immediately visible or felt.

A related concept is object permanence—the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they are not immediately visible to you. Object permanence is sometimes used to informally describe how people with ADHD have an “out of sight, out of mind” perspective. People with ADHD can often forget about objects, tasks, or items that are not physically present.

Similar to how someone with ADHD might forget about an object that’s not in front of them, they can also struggle to stay connected with people who are not immediately present. They may forget to respond to texts, check in with loved ones, or wish someone a happy birthday.

If someone has a lack of emotional permanence, they also often fear abandonment and need constant reassurance. Many different factors can impact emotional permanence, such as anxious attachment styles, childhood trauma, or toxic relationships. Other mental health conditions, like anxiety, can also make it more difficult to love and trust others.

Emotional permanence is essential for maintaining strong relationships, and helping you navigate life more confidently, especially in challenging times. Studies also show that close emotional connections are vital for overall health and well-being.

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Signs of Lack of Emotional Permanence in Adults With ADHD

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Many of the symptoms of ADHD, such as emotional dysregulation and hypersensitivity, can affect emotional permanence in adults with ADHD. Difficulties in managing emotions, challenges with working memory, and low self-esteem can make it hard to remember that others genuinely care about you. When you lack emotional permanence, it can lead to negative relationship experiences, distrust in others, and heightened insecurities.

These are some of the common indicators of lack of emotional permanence in adults with ADHD:

• You spend a lot of time concerned about how others feel about you.
• You need validation and reassurance to feel loved and secure.
• You are uncomfortable reaching out to someone you haven’t talked to in a while.
• You assume someone is mad at you if they aren’t responding to you.
• Your emotions seem to fluctuate all the time and you have trouble regulating them.
• You have a hard time trusting others.
• You often feel insecure in your relationships.
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How to Develop Emotional Permanence

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If you find yourself constantly seeking reassurance of people’s love, there are strategies that can help you strengthen your emotional permanence and build stronger relationships.

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Collect Reminders You Are Loved

Create a collection of cards, letters, screenshots, and other memories from important people in your life. When you’re feeling insecure in relationships, go back to this collection. Seeing these physical reminders can help you remember that you are loved. 

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Communicate Your Emotions

Try communicating directly with loved ones about your emotional needs. Your loved ones want to support you, and it can be helpful for them to understand how you are feeling. This can also help you build trust in your relationships.

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Improve Emotional Regulation

ADHD can make it challenging to control and manage your emotional responses. Practice emotional regulation by identifying your emotions, reflecting on what may be causing them, and assessing how these emotions are affecting your thoughts and behaviours. Ask yourself questions like: Was my emotional response appropriate for the situation? Can I acknowledge and accept this feeling? What coping strategies can I use to manage this emotion?

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Practice Mindfulness and Gratitude

Consider keeping a gratitude journal and noting events like when your partner writes you a handwritten note or when a friend treats you to lunch. This can help you appreciate the various ways people show their love. Practicing meditation and mindfulness can also help people with ADHD process feelings and improve mental well-being. 

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Work With a Therapist

If you’re struggling with emotional permanence, a therapist can help you learn how to regulate your emotions, trust yourself and others, and develop coping strategies. By talking to a trained counsellor, you can better understand your emotions and ADHD symptoms and learn how to navigate them in healthy ways.

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Find Support for Emotional Permanence and ADHD

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It’s always nice to hear someone is thinking of you, but by developing emotional permanence, you won’t need constant validation to feel confident in your relationships.

A lack of emotional permanence doesn’t make you a bad partner or friend. For many adults with ADHD, emotional permanence can be challenging, but it can often be developed and improved by taking the time to understand your emotions, nurturing supportive relationships, and building healthy coping strategies.

If you are looking for support with emotional permanence and ADHD, Phare Counselling can match you with a licensed ADHD counsellor. Our in-person and online counsellors offer affordable therapy options to ensure everyone gets the support they need. Ready to start your personalized therapy journey with Phare Counselling? Book a free consultation call today!

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Author Bio:

‍Wendy Chan is a writer and editor who is passionate about health, wellness, and self-care. She has worked in marketing and communications for nearly a decade, creating educational content for brands and companies across Canada. Since 2020, she has been a writer and researcher for Phare Counselling.

‍Wendy specializes in authoring informative and accessible content on mental health, wellbeing, higher education, and technology. She holds a BFA in Creative Writing from the University of British Columbia. You can find her in Vancouver or Toronto, depending on the weather.

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